- - 3:28 p.m. , 2003-04-23
just a little longer to go - 1:45 p.m. , 2003-03-14
what? me worry? - 9:50 a.m. , 2003-02-27
do photographs steal your soul? - 4:13 p.m. , 2003-02-19
the ten ton weight is removed - 10:37 a.m. , 2002-10-01
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@ 9:50 a.m.
i had an interview yesterday. and for a job i'd like to have. problem is the job probably won't pay enough for me to accept it if it's offered.
i'm having an issue resolving my lack of ambition. all my life i've been success oriented. always want more, want better, want big. now I consciously want less, want good enough, want small. seems like i should feel bad about that. seems like lowering my standards should be a warning that i'm slipping, i'm not as sharp, not as driven, not as successful, not as much.
but it's not.
i feel odd about not being decimated by my lesser circumstances. i feel odd about even considering taking a job that pays less than i made two jobs ago. it's all mixed up in my mind. jobs, money, defining my self-worth. however much i don't want to have such material measures define me that feeling is much more familiar than being content. i never thought a person ever felt content, ever had enough, ever stopped wanting more. even though i know that's not how I feel now it's hard to know what to replace it with.