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i had an interview yesterday. and for a job i'd like to have. problem is the job probably won't pay enough for me to accept it if it's offered.

[sigh]

i'm having an issue resolving my lack of ambition. all my life i've been success oriented. always want more, want better, want big. now I consciously want less, want good enough, want small. seems like i should feel bad about that. seems like lowering my standards should be a warning that i'm slipping, i'm not as sharp, not as driven, not as successful, not as much.

but it's not.

i feel odd about not being decimated by my lesser circumstances. i feel odd about even considering taking a job that pays less than i made two jobs ago. it's all mixed up in my mind. jobs, money, defining my self-worth. however much i don't want to have such material measures define me that feeling is much more familiar than being content. i never thought a person ever felt content, ever had enough, ever stopped wanting more. even though i know that's not how I feel now it's hard to know what to replace it with.